INDECISIVE

Ok. So I still have not come up with proper answers for my foundation application. Instead I am concentrating on deciding whether I really want to work here if I get the place, in which case, I will - if I apply. But why bother answering those sickening questions if I really want to go back now. It is just being paranoid of the regret I might get later (if I dont apply at all) that makes me struggle with the questions. But, will it not be counted as an effort to fill up the form at least? Another example of the THIN lines in my life. Eeeeeee geramnye.

Family.

I got three pairs of new baju kurung (baju raya) from my mom in summer.
She said "takpelah banyok2 pon, next year nok buat sahhang (pakai) pergi keje kan".
A hint that she wanting me to work in Malaysia.

Papa asked me to buy a car for him and bring it back next year.
And I said "doh tu kalu pah keje sane guane? mestila pah nok gune kereta".
And he exchanged that look with my mom. Mama smiled. Hehehehe naughty me.
But again, he was expecting me to go back.

But after a long argument of the reasons why I will stay for a while, if I want to stay (which I was still 50-50 at that time), they seem to not have any preference.

When I told my younger brother who is now studying accounting in Warwick that I will put Coventry and warwick deanery as my first choice for the application, he said:
"Bagusla. Senang nanti kalu aku takdok duit"
Hehe, ade ke. That is definitely not the reason I want to go closer to you. Hahah, too bad.

I asked this matter to my sister who is studying A level in UCSI, looking forward to further her study in Pharmacy in the UK in the next 2 years. She said "keje la kat UK, tunggu aku gi sane". Haha, semua orang pon die nak suh duk ngan dia. Anak bongsu!

I chatted with my bro this afternoon.
iffa: bile mung nok gi umoh abg
iffa: bowok la web cam
iffa: rindu la ke mia
we: dok tau lg
we: eheh
we: td die pandai doh duk main wak lolok tgh mekap
we: pahtu die kate die comel
iffa: amboi
iffa: hahahaha
iffa: mia omel
we: klako la'
iffa: hih nih nok blk msia ni
iffa: oo baru ignat
iffa: nok tanye mung rse
iffa: baik aku kije sini dulu ke
iffa: balik kije msia terus
we: hurmm
we: aku dok reti ngat mende gini
we: huhu
we: opinion aku la
we: molek doh kalu mung balik pon
we: tp mung mitok spital trg la
we: buleh teman mama nga papa dumoh
we: heheh
Hmm...so there's a reason. And Damia is another.

That was family.

I just knew a friend who changed his mind to go back when he was the one person was really firm about wanting to work here.

Huh....

I just rang my brother in Warwick, as I think the only reason I will want to stay here is him. I am sure he will be fine here, it is not like I have to babysit him. I never did in fact. The way I talked to him just now really sounded like I want to go home, for sure. I just wanted him to acknowledge me not applying at all. "takpe eh kalu aku dok isi borang?". "aku nok wat guane kalu mung dok isi. gitu je la". Eee sedih la plak. Siap suruh kahwin kat UK haha. And he said he is going to force me going back to Malaysia if I later will be reluctant to go back for good.

That is my fear. What if I do not want to come back after all? I know I promise myself to give me only 2 years here, but what if I won't? I am very comfortable with UK system. Everything here is easy. Everyone here is nice. And I can still help with the dakwah here. There are so little chances of not living in wealth here. But is that all that I need? I am sure I will be fine wherever I am going to work. I am sure I will learn a lot working here for the first two years (not practical wise though - Malaysia is definitely better for hands-on experience!). But what if I do not want to come back after all?

Yes, I know it is me who will make the call. It's just that I still need a very valid reason for me to stay here, or otherwise. Please please please. Let it come across my mind.

p/s: Huhuh... Malasnye nak isi borang. In the end, tak apply jugak ni. Sorry to make this a big deal. I am just...thinking.