Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Balai Newcastle organised a wonderful program last weekend and one of the activities was paint balling. I have always wanted to play it to be honest. I thought of not playing while on my way as I was soooooo tired and exhausted I couldn't describe it, and I arrived there a bit late too. And I do not like the fact that they put us as a mixed team (girls and boys). But the moment Amni came up to me and told me that she just realised that she is actually not brave enough to be in the war, then I too wanted to feel and know how brave I am. So I played one last game and my group was left with only a few bullets.

I did achieve my objective of playing - I now know I seriouslly am not that brave. Of course I can give excuse that it was my first game, I had no clues how to play it when everybody else was immensed with the game. Only after that I had that adrenaline rush of wanting to go back and fight as much as I can, get the strategy on route etc, and that was only when I knew it was not so painful being hit by the paintballs. Otherwise, I believe I'd still be scared to death.

Before playing, I was a real coward. When I test my first shot, I saw and heard how hard the fake bullets hit the target and I was damn worried if they were going to hurt and bruise me. The trembles, the worries, the panics etc - I seriously can't describe it in words. I can flashback my act during that fake war in my head now and I hate myself for being such a coward.

At one point during the short game, I wondered if it was a real war. I started to imagine that it was the war in Gaza and I was left with only some bullets to be used PRN. How frightening that would be!!! And paintballing was nothing as compared to real war - the most horrible thing you can get out of it are short term stinging pain or worse, bruisings that will eventually heal (unless it is your time to die at that time anyway); but in real war, you know if you go out and careless and have nothing to protect you, it is death that you are looking forward to. I repeat, D.E.A.T.H.

No wonder Allah lifts up those who went to war because of Him. No wonder it was not easy for the munafiqun to be in the war during the past time. No wonder those who went for Badar were promised the jannah. I am amazed with all of them. I am amazed with the people in Gaza, the people in Palestine, in Iraq, elsewhere - I am amazed with the kids there - they have no weapons and they are really brave, throwing the small stones toward sthe illegal occupants when they are facing the heartless soldier holding real machineguns, knowing the bullets could go through their heads anytime. May be they have no world to live for anyway, so they are never afraid of the death which hopefully will lead them to the eternal lives.

I guess there is no such word as empathy, as you can never really be in someone's shoes and fit in the way that person is putting them on. Even if you be in their shoes for three days, a week, a year. I really don't think it is possible. But of course the least thing we can do is to show empathy and help praying for them. I just hope that I am not going to back up if I am going to be in that situation.

Let alone the physical war, we have to bear in mind there is a war that all muslims are facing now and that is the mind war with very obscured booby traps we can fall into - I can hardly face it and work my way through if I don't have people reminding me to be on the best path, always. And other than that, I am struggling to concentrate on the war in my student world - my exams is in 2 months time (plus minus). Pray for the best for me, please!

ps: after exams, paintballing again? girls only though (it will never be fun playing whilst being conscious to make sure you do not run into a guy, even harder when you have no idea who are behind the masks).