THE MENTAL TALK

There were times when I felt like I totally knew what I am doing, but at some other times, I just had no clue of why I do things. Here, I am writing particularly about medicine. About choosing medicine and a career as a healthcare professional in the future. Not bluffing - most of the time, I really want to become a doctor, and I can see me becoming one in the future. Chatting kindly with patients and not forgetting to smile as a means of treating them psychologically before medically. But on the other hand, it did sometimes feel so strange as if medicine is not the right pathway for me at all - honestly, there were a number of times when I felt like quitting medicine.

As for now, I am very glad to share that today is one of the days when I like being here, doing what I am doing. I truthfully enjoyed the case presentation session this afternoon. Amazing how your teachers and colleagues could actually change your perception and thought over something. Cheers guys (haha,like u guys are ever gonna read this?). Each day just went so fast, and today I have already finished my first week - out of four - of mental health (psychiatry) rotation.

Then, I will start my final rotation - that being CIDR (chronic illness disease rotation) for eight weeks, then bam! Big exam is coming up. Well, not as enormous as the judgement day, but your efforts still count for that, aye?

At this moment, I know I should have fully AWARE of the very limited time I have to spend on studying, and that last minute study is no more a smart way of passing a third year med student exam... but although the word exams has always been the mainstay of our daily conversation for this week, I have no clues of why am I still not paranoid with it. I suppose I study better under the pressure and I need to be a bit worry about it. Actually come to think of it, I do feel nervous, with a grandious jitteriness in fact. Especially when I was going through some random MCQ questions and found out that I cannot answer things I could have possibly been able to answer even in my first year. I remember when I was in infectious disease rotation, I turned totally blank when I was being asked "what do the B cells produce?". Seriously, where was I in the past two years?

Sometimes, everything is there in your head. You know you have the answers, but you just need more time to organise them. Or maybe you cannot put them together at all until someone tells you the answer, then you go "aahh, I knew it was that!". Worst, you know you have read or heard a medical term which appears in the answer lists before, but you just cannot recall what it is about. And even worst, you know that you are expected to know about something, but you just don't.

Ya Allah Ya Rabbal 'Alamin, I need strength for this.

ONE SATURDAY NIGHT

Adik almost cried when not all the housemates wanted to play her game. Children, they are so imaginative, and this one has always created "her game", having her own rules of playing it.

That night, she needed all six of us to join. So when she started crying in my room, finally everybody agreed to play. We all went outside into the living room and sat in a circle. Apparently, her game that night resembled "kotak beracun". Well, almost the same, except with no aim or ridiculous dares like I had always played it before. We just had to pass her 2-3 weeks old-very-cute-teddy-bear (which she got from a car boot sales) around the circle, and wait until the music stops. Whoever holds the teddy will have to go and play the music and stop it for the next round.

I love you Adik!!

For the first few rounds, we were so blank. There was no aim at all. If we get the teddy there would be no "punishment", I suppose going to press the cd player button is not a horrible thing to go through. Ok. So one of us adjusted the game to make it more interesting. Bits by bits, it ultimately ended up as 'truth or dare' game, if you have ever heard of it. But the rule was a bit distorted - one had to answer the question first, only if you choose not to answer, then you would be dared.

And going back earlier that day, Kak Rabitah bought a litre of goat's milk today, just to taste it, since it is one of sunnah left by Rasulullah s.a.w. Everybody tried it, except me. I was turned off by the scream Amira made when she gave it a taste. I did not even like lamb. How on earth would I like the milk if it tastes worse than lamb or sheep? Amazingly, adik is the hero. She likes it so much, that we still have it in our fridge now, coz adik wants more! She is the only one in this house who alhamdulillah, able to drink the milk.

I wish I could too. Do not say I did not try. That night, when I refused to share my "personal" secret, I was dared to drink a full cup of goat's milk, without pinching my nose. And trust me it was no easy task to do. It was not the taste, but the smell. Devastating. It is one of the sunnah, so I assume is good for the health too, but I just can't help myself. Luckily, it is not an obligatory one.

A few morals from the story. Firstly, the game was so bored when we first played it. No aim. Everybody was just looking at each other with a what-are-we-doing-passing-this-teddy-around look. And nobody minded to hold the teddy when the music stopped. But when the rules changed, with aim not to get the teddy coz if not you would have to tell the secret or get a dare, everybody was passing the teddy very quickly. Trying the best not to hold it when the music stopped. And screamed horribly when it happened. Same goes to our lives. If we do not have aim in this life, it is boring. There would be no purpose of life.

I once asked an SHO who is an atheist, "so what's your purpose of life?". He said "I'm afraid I will loose (to me, coz we were arguing loads before) about this one. To be honest, my purpose of life before I got married was bullshit. But now that I am married, it's my wife and my two kids."

Secondly, I was so reluctant to drink the milk before. But when I have to drink it due to the "rules", I managed to finish a full cup of it. A full cup mind you, not a sip. It is not fair for me or for other players to not do the dare as we already agreed to the rule.

A believer believes that Allah's rule is one to obey. It is not fair for Allah that we claim we are muslims but we never play by His rules. It is not fair that we agreed to be born into this world and live on the earth He created with all the ni'mat, yet we do not play our lives by His rules.

And just see how important are the governers who have the power, who can use their "hands" to rule something. A hadith says (approximately):

"If you come across a wrong deed, change it with your hand. And if you cannot change it with your hand, speak against it with your tounge. And if you cannot speak against it with your tounge, hate it in your heart."

When there are rules, people have to follow it, whether they like it or not. And first rules to obey are ones from our Creator. I needed to drink the goat's milk no matter I like it or not. Because it was the rule. Congratulations to me!

(should have niat minum sebab sunnah rasulullah...dapat jugak pahala huhuhu)

FROM BEIRUT TO JERUSALEM

I have heard about the book "from Beirut to Jerusalem" vaguely before, but I was so ignorance to find it and give it a read. Good thing when I went to IMAM programme called Extreme Medicine last weekend, the writer herself, Dr Ang came up as one of the speakers, talking about the manmade disaster, the war. She talked about her experience, how she was brought up to support Israel and to hate the Arabs, the so called "terrorists". But her experience has changed it all.

Click here for the audio, pictures, and written experience. Trust me, you have to listen to this one!

One of the very touching picture, as described by Dr Ang:


---And suddenly a whole lot of children - Palestinian children from every where began to crowd around me, and the little girl said "Doctor can you take a picture of us?" I said "of course I will". "You must take a picture of us now because there is the Shatila camp - tomorrow maybe the camp will be destroyed and there will be no more Shatila, but al least today we are here and you can take a picture and show your friends all over the world this refugee camp and show them we are the children of Shatila". And as I began to focus the camera they decided to put their hands up and make a victory sign and said "and we are not afraid". This picture was taken in October 1982, since then I have been back to Lebanon many times, and each time I go back I carry a copy of these pictures hoping I can find them - of course I never found any of these children. But now looking back I realise they didn't ask me bring the pictures back to them - they said take the pictures and show it to the whole world, to show the whole world how the Palestinian children of Shatila camp were not afraid. So I am showing it to you now." ---(by Dr Ang)

Even up to now she is so active, trying to make sure that people will soon realise who are the terrorists, and who are the victims. May Allah grant her hidayah... and may we learn something from her spirit and enthusiasm.